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User talk:CSTGCreepyPasta
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Cluster page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 07:55, July 2, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 07:59, July 2, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here beyond grammar. If it were just mechanical issues, they would have been corrected, but a lot of the problems lie in the story itself. Starting with the basics, a story should be told through a series of paragraphs. Isolating every sentence into its own paragraph is not correct. The only format that works in is poetry. You also cut off sentences mid-way through and start new lines. "I hear a groan as I walk towards her door. I hear a slight thumping sound as it reaches the door I hide in the bathroom and (new paragraph)" These formatting issues go throughout the story, but there are a lot of mechanical issues as well. Onto the larger issues. You begin telling the story in past tense ("One day I was sleeping in my bed and woke up to the sound of thunder."), but switch to present tense a number of times throughout the story. ("I go to check out my window and see down in the dark descent and notice a buff shadow lurking in my backyard.", "I decide to exit my house from the front door. Running over to uncle john's house.", etc.) You forget to use commas in your sentences. "I run over to my sister's room(,) blood has leaked from under the door.", "I was frightened(,/.) I run downstairs and pick the phone and dial 911.", "I hear a slight thumping sound as it reaches the door(,/.) I hide in the bathroom", "I stop breathing for a minute and peek out of the door(,) grandma's room", etc. There are a lot of these instances so I would suggest reading your story aloud to help you catch these. You also need to put dialogue into quotations. " I stop breathing for a minute and peek out of the door grandma's room is open and I enter(.) (")GRANDMA(!") I screamed..." That sentence becomes very awkward without the proper punctuation. You also tend to improperly capitalize words. "There was a note Beside (beside)", "I hide in the bathroom and Hear (hear)", "I Screamed", "Running over to uncle john's (John's) house.", etc. Remember that the start of sentences and proper nouns (persons, places, products, etc.) need to be properly capitalized. There are other issues here, but I would like to move on to the story problems before wrapping this up. Story issues: The story is really rushed and seems to gloss over important points. For example: "Right in front of me... was him... The Cluster..." Why is the creature called the Cluster? The protagonist identifies him at the very end of the story, but there's no real explanation given as to why it's named that. You really should explain these points and focus on areas where you want to build-up the characters/story. "I run and sprint into the woods I think I'm safe for now let hope my predictions are correct" What predictions? The protagonist really doesn't make any assumptions throughout the story about the creature so this line feels off. Story issues cont.: Speaking of explanations and focus, there's a real lack of description here. "The Cluster... He's staring down at me he's about 7 feet tall. I shake in fear The Cluster" That is the only description given of the monster who's the focal point in the story and is doesn't really paint a descriptive picture. There are other story issues, but I feel like this is a good starting point. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop for feedback before attempting to upload it to the website. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:08, July 2, 2016 (UTC)